Chastity: Authentic Love in a Fraudulent World
by Madeline Page
The Church doesn’t say no, but yes to something so much greater.
Chastity: Authentic Love in a Fraudulent World
“He still hasn’t replied to my text yet.”
“I just sent three texts in a row; will he think I’m too needy?”
“Who do you think that girl is in his story?”
While at university, I found myself surrounded by (me included!) people trying to find their identity and make their mark. A large part of that seemed to be trying to find out if sex was all it was cracked up to be. But I also saw the fallout. The heartbreak, the ‘he hasn’t replied, can I message him again?’ questions, the burden of modern-day relationship ‘rules’, of being sold this lie that sex isn’t such a big deal, of try before you buy, and that if you don’t have sex he’ll leave or lose interest.
In a society that is so obsessed with sex, sex unfortunately sells. From the TV shows (that are arguably closer to pornography than anything to do with a decent plot line) to the adverts that despite the rise of women’s rights continue to use us and our bodies as a great marketing tool.
But maybe that’s not such a big deal? Maybe the Church just needs to get over it and stop saying no to things that are pleasurable? Maybe it really doesn’t matter what we do in the bedroom (or anywhere else for that matter) and the Church needs to just let us live our lives?
In many ways, I agree with you. We do need autonomy. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying things (including sex!)
The Church doesn’t say no to these things, but yes to something so much greater.
I am more than a body. I am more than a vessel for someone else’s pleasure. I am more valuable than sometimes I let myself believe I am.
So, if sex really isn’t that big of a deal, why do we (and let’s be frank, it’s usually us ladies) start to become attached? Why is ‘no strings attached’ or ‘friends with benefits’ actually not as easy as it may seem?
There’s a bond that takes place during sex - oxytocin is released. This is a hormone, often referred to as the ‘bonding hormone’ or ‘love hormone’ and it is what helps us form social bonds. It is released in small amounts when hugging and can help us build trust amongst friends and family. Where it is most prominent though is during breastfeeding, labour and sex. The bond between mother and child is not designed to be broken and so our bodies release high amounts of oxytocin to help us bond with our children. The same is done during sex - bonds not designed to be broken.
In studies of voles, rodents known for their monogamy, it has been found that they release high levels of oxytocin. This oxytocin that is released, especially in the female vole’s brain, plays a key part in bonding, mating for life and being monogamous. So, can the same be said for humans?
With this in mind, not having sex with just about anyone (especially those we don’t want to be bonded to) makes sense. The Church’s teaching on chastity (in its simplest form - not having sex before marriage) enables us to get to know the person right in front of us without all the blurriness that comes with bonding ourselves to that person. Without all the uncertainties. The insecurities. I want the people I date, and one day, the guy that I marry, to love me for me, nothing else. I think deep down, that’s what we all want - authentic love.
The Church doesn’t say no, but yes to something so much greater.
By not having sex with someone, I am able to get to know the real person and who they really are. Spending time with them becomes much more intentional, I am loved authentically and not lustfully. Get to know someone, really know them, not just what they look like without clothes on, and not just for an exchange of commodities, because you are not something to be used and thrown away, to be used and not texted back.
St John Paul II said it well,
"the essence of chastity consists in quickness to affirm the value of the person in every situation.”
Don’t let society reduce you to an animal - we can control and channel our desires. Society says that we need sex, when in fact, we need intimacy which can be found in so much more than sex.
So, the next time someone tries to reduce you down to your body, I hope that you can remember that you are so much more. You are dignity; you are worthy; you are loved, authentically.
The Church doesn’t say no, but yes to something so much greater.
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References
Kosfeld M, Heinrichs M, Zak P, Fischbacher U, Fehr E. Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature. 2005;435:673–6.
John Paul. Love And Responsibility. P. 171
Broadfoot MV. “High on Fidelity: What can voles teach us about monogamy?” American Scientist Online. Available from: http://www.americanscientist.org/issues/pub/2002/5/high-on-fidelity .